Thursday, August 9, 2012

Scream, or pray?

Do you ever reach those moments when suddenly everything that needs to be done begins to weigh down upon you all at once, and you just sort of freeze?  A panic seems to seize me, and I begin to realize there is no way I can complete all of the responsibilities awaiting my attention.  Seems these moments come more and more often the closer I approach 40, with hormones out of whack, energy levels slowing down and emotions far more raw and exposed than in my twenties.  This morning one of those moments hit, right in the middle of liturgy.  As we gathered to pray for Fr. Peter at his 40 days memorial, I found my mind playing through all of the things I needed to do, and I felt an overwhelming sense of panic.  School plans, meal plans, materials for the atrium, birthday parties, house cleaning, bill paying, laundry, all of it went flashing through my head.  Then tonight, it hit me again at the Paraklesis;    no moment of stillness within my heart, nothing but the racing of mind and the panicked need for more time.  I couldn't focus at all on the beautiful hymns to the Theotokos which I love so much. Instead I wanted to sit down and cry.  No, that's not the truth, I really wanted to run outside and scream.  I'm sure that would have caused a few raised eyebrows.  Then the words of the Gospel were read, that familiar passage, Luke 10:40-42, whose words are the footer for this blog.  And while they didn't completely calm my mind, at least they quieted the inner scream to a whisper.  When the busyness seems to overwhelm, perhaps I need to listen to the words of an old friend from the past,  "I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer."  (Martin Luther)

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